The Doctor And I
by Tie-Dyed Broadway
Summary: Captain Jack Harkness is about to face his most terrifying adversary yet... stage fright! Luckily, there's a banana-wielding madman in the audience ready to give him a confidence boost! For TheBigCat, who writes the funniest Doctor Who fanfiction this side of the universe.


I don't own Doctor Who, The Doctor, or Captain Jack Harkness; they belong to BBC.

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><p>He could hear the rustling of fabric through the thick curtains. His palms were sweating, but he maintained his flirtatious and confident air, although it was difficult. He made the mistake of peering out behind the curtain and immediately wished he hadn't. Great Koquillion, why had he signed up for this?!<p>

All he could see was the sea of people in their different varieties of dress, colored in their respective skin tones, with various exclamations of, "hey, watch your antennae!", "move your eyestalks!", and even "hey, quit waving your banana in my face, you madman!".

Wait. A madman with a banana. He knew a madman with a banana. He peered out from behind the curtains again, and could immediately pick out the shock of brown hair from amid the eyestalks, antennae, and wings. He smiled, and waved at The Doctor with a finger, not expecting him to see. Surprisingly enough, The Doctor _did_ see, and nodded his head and waved back. He ducked back behind the curtain and allowed a broad grin to spread across his face. He felt a lot calmer now, knowing that The Doctor would be here to support him.

Suddenly, the lights dimmed. The rustling and talking (along with the occasional shout and insult) quieted down, until the entire room was silent, as if there was no one there. Suddenly, lights appeared on the thick, blood-red curtains, and a booming voice was heard.

"Welcome, one and all, to the annual Aakashshah Talent Concert! Presenting your MC, Louis Venus!"

A rotund man appeared, wearing a brown suit with a red tie. He smiled and waved to the audience before beginning his little introductory speech.

"Hello everyone! Welcome to the annual Aakashshah Talent Concert! All year long, we have scoured this planet and more, searching for unheard-of and undiscovered talents. We are happy to tell you that we have found them! And so, for our first performance, may I present Chameleon Circuit, with their song, Blink!"

As the performers went on one by one, his cool demeanor started to slip. But each time he got close to a panic attack, he would peek out from behind the curtain and look for a shock of brown hair. Finally, it was his turn.

"And finally, for our final performance, we have a bit of a surprise! We've done comedy routines, small skits, magic tricks, and well-known songs from way back when. But we have never, _ever_ had a parody. Until now! So, parodying _The Wizard And I_ from the famed musical _Wicked_, introducing Captain Jack Harkness, with his parody _The Doctor And I_!"

This was it. No going back. With adrenaline coursing through his veins and palms sweating so badly he thought the microphone would slip out of his hand, Jack stepped out to the center of the stage and waited for the intro notes.

As the music began to play, Jack felt his confidence start to soar. He could do this. He could do anything he wanted to. Provided The Doctor was somewhere nearby to give him a confidence boost of course. He opened his mouth, and started to sing.

**When I meet The Doctor  
>Once I prove my worth<br>And then I meet The Doctor.  
>What I've waited for since, since birth!<br>And with all his Doctor wisdom  
>By my looks he won't be blinded.<br>Do you think The Doctor is dumb  
>or like Oods he's so small minded? No.<strong>

Now there was an Ood in the audience, and he felt a little miffed at that. Small minded? The nerve! He calmed down a bit when he realized he meant it in the literal sense. After all, the Ood hindbrain was literally small enough to fit he palm of their hand.

**He'll say to me I see who you truly are, Jack  
>A man on whom I can rely.<br>And that's how we'll begin  
>The Doctor and I.<strong>

His confidence was back. He was cool and calm. He was ready.

**Once you're with The Doctor  
>your whole life will change<br>'cause once you're with The Doctor  
>you are not estranged.<br>No mother is not proud of you.  
>No brother acts ashamed.<br>And all of Time has to love you  
>when by The Doctor you're acclaimed.<br>And this gift or this curse I have inside  
>Maybe at last I'll know why<strong>

**When we are hand in hand  
>The Doctor and I.<strong>

Maybe one day the Doctor would tell him what happened to him and why he couldn't die. One day... Until then, he'd just go with the flow. But he WOULD get answers.

**One day he'll say to me, Jack my boy  
>A man who is so superior<br>shouldn't a man who's so good inside  
>have a different exterior?<br>And some folks believe it's a fantasy  
>that in you there's a good man to see<br>so they'll appreciate you.  
>May I de-fabricate you?<br>And lo of course that's not important to me  
>alright why not? I'll reply.<br>Oh what a pair we'll be  
>The Doctor and I<strong>

**Yes, what a pair we'll be  
>The Doctor and...<strong>

**Unlimited. My future is unlimited  
>And I've just had a vision almost like a prophecy<br>I know it sounds truly crazy  
>And true the vision's hazy<br>But I swear someday there'll be  
>a celebration throughout Time<br>that's all to do with me.**

**And I'll stand there with The Doctor  
>feeling things I never felt.<br>And though I'd never show it  
>I'll be so happy I could melt.<br>And so it will be for the rest of my life  
>and I'll want nothing else 'til I die.<br>Held in such high esteem.  
>When people see me they will scream.<br>As part of TV's favorite team  
>The Doctor and I!<strong>

The crowd went wild. They were cheering and screaming and stamping their feet and throwing flowers meant for the other performers. Jack just bowed, smiled, glanced at The Doctor standing next to a redheaded temp from Chiswick, and walked offstage, out the door, and used his "space-hopper" (as The Doctor had dubbed it) to teleport back to Torchwood.

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><p><strong>AN:**

**Ta-da! My first Doctor Who fic is a parody! (Sarcastically) What are the odds? There's a link for the song on my profile page, if anyone's interested.**

**To TheBigCat: I got the name of the planet from The Big Box of Randomness. Please don't kill me.**


End file.
